New Wife Has a Good Heart

Here is something funny. Not funny ha ha but funny like how it’s funny when you permanently damage your liver by taking Tylenol because you have a headache from drinking too much. My New Wife told me yesterday that on the day I leave to take my First Wife to New Mexico she has to go to the doctor to get an echocardiogram because the Dr. has some concern about her low blood pressure and the dizzy spells she’s been having. The Dr. said, and she relayed to me, that it’s no big deal. Do I buy this? No. I’m a little suspicious about the size of the deal.

It seems to me that it is unlikely that a Dr, this one in particular, would order a test like this on a healthy young woman unless he was concerned. Also, I have some experience with this kind of thing. Bad things happen. Try this exercise: Close your eyes and imagine for a moment the worst thing that could ever happen. Now open your eyes.

Anyway. That’s how it works.

I don’t want to lose my New Wife for the following reasons:

1) New Wife accepts that I am imperfect, a bit on the used up side and a selfish person
2) New Wife and I met when I was incredibly high on daily doses of brain erasing Zanax, went through my realization that I was in shock and depressed for a year after Leigh died, supported me with friendship, love, patience and understanding and still likes me
3) New Wife has experience with dysfunction, and being a fucked up person herself, sets a good example for me to follow
4) New Wife is a survivor
5) New Wife does not drink caffeine or alcohol and can always drive home from dinner
6) New Wife is hot and dresses like a tart

Dr said it’s nothing to worry about and the echo is the same thing that they do “when you have a baby”. Hmmm. I wonder why they are talking to my New Wife like she’s retarded? We’ll at least they are not also going to put her on a heart monitor for twenty-four hours or I’d really be worried (fyi: that is sarcasm because they, of course, are going to put her on a heart monitor for twenty-four hours).

Let’s just suppose for a moment that New Wife has heart disease and starts counting in dog years. Here are some observations I will make:

1) If I’m wrong, and there is a God, then I’m also right in that he is a total dick. Either way, I’m right which is awesome
2) Ironically, I have both really good luck and really bad luck with women at the same time
3) If I’m wrong, and there is a Shiva, I must have been John Wayne Gacy, the child raping clown in a past life and I am now making up for the Karma deficit I’ve run up
4) New Wife’s Dr said that if the heart echo finds a problem, she will have to make MAJOR changes in her diet like no coffee or alcohol. I’m just observing that he’s not listening to her.
5) Personally, when New Wife waves good-bye to me, wearing a heart monitor and asking me to ‘be careful’ I’m going to think that is the pot calling the kettle black
6) If the echo finds that she has a heart murmur on Friday, then I think that’s really bad timing.
7) Get it? Bad timing...murmur.

Jenny, please do not have heart disease.