1 Harley Davidson Road Glide
2 Exhaust Pipes
1 Bootleg Fuel Control Module
1 Global Positioning System
1 Back Brace
300 Aspirin
2 Riding Jackets
1 Pair Riding Pants
4 Pair Socks and Underwear
1 MacBook Pro
1 Video Camera that Takes Stills
1 Black Plastic Box
1 Wooden Box
Start by removing the faring and windshield from the Road Glide to install Global Positioning System. Put socks on turn signals. Put sheet over tank and under bike and over front fender. Take off windshield. Try to find place to set it down and realize there is none. Balance windshield on knee and make place to set it down. Decide to unfold a card table because many parts are involved. Start removing parts and place neatly on card table. Remove parts until card table is full and then look for other places to put rest of parts. Remove all screws, nuts and bolts that can be viewed without putting knee on ground where there is dirt. Do not react to alarmed look from New Wife. The GPS needs electricity. Do not scratch any parts. Observe that Harley Davidson owners are particular about this and if parts are scratched they must be chrome plated. New Wife should ask why you need another GPS. Explain that third GPS is made necessary due to specific operating environment of motorcycle. Recall words on packaging to justify position such as ‘left hand controls’ and ‘vibration resistant’. New Wife will accept this information because of reason for trip**. Look at all the wires in the faring. See if any are not being used. Realize that it is unlikely that bike manufacturer would put wires on bike that attached to nothing. Spot cigarette lighter and consider the relative advantage of breaking it in the course of installing GPS instead of fuel gauge or headlamps. Wisely choose to attach GPS wires to cigarette lighter wires. Attach red wire on GPS to red wire on cigarette lighter. Other wire on GPS will not match color of other wire on cigarette lighter. Do not care about this. Turn on bike. GPS will come on which means that described configuration is possibly OK.
Put parts back on bike. Rubber part that fell off is not important. Notice that it does not seem to go anywhere. Put in pocket and forget about part. Admire how you carefully laid screws down on card table in order you removed them because they are not all the same size. Notice how piling parts on card table has re-organized screws. Continue guessing about order of parts and screws. Notice how easy plastic screw and brass nuts will strip. Order part #$!@^%&*! to replace stripped parts. Do not know how to put windshield back on. Spend two (2) hours trying to figure this out and then consult Internet. Internet says do not take windshield off but if you do then go buy part #$!@^%&*! and then put it back together.
After bike is mostly back together, drive to Harley-Davidson dealership to look at similar bike. Pretend to shop for new motorcycle and pay special attention to fairing and windshield. Notice how much tighter fairing and windshield seem on new bike. Wonder if water will get inside it on trip and cause mayhem. Make note to self to have checked by qualified person.
Observe that when at traffic light and in traffic that bike is very hot. Feel that you are a potato and you will be done soon. Hope that your strategically placed holes will allow heat to escape from baking internal organs so you do not explode in traffic. Wonder about how heat will feel when driving in desert next week. Recall that forecast calls for 90+ degree heat. Drive to different bike shop and ask ‘Dirk’ about heat. Admit to just buying Harley and not knowing anything. Dirk will be polite to face. Listen as Dirk explains that Harley-Davidson has to comply with California Smog Emission Standards and to do this they have leaned the fuel mixture, restricted airflow and put on small tail pipes. Nod when Dirk offers to fix motorcycle heat issue by blowing out engine with big fat pipes, monster air filter and outlaw fuel control module that will pour gasoline in engine and make baby ride real cool. Ask Dirk about loudness of bike and explain desire to not degrade relationship with neighbors one mile down road. Believe Dirk when he tells you loudness is ‘no-factor’ and bike will only be ‘twice as loud’. Believe Dirk when he tells you daddy will like it when he hits throttle on open road with new monster performance package. Believe Dirk when he tells you that this will not affect warranty. Tell Dirk you are leaving in four (4) days and will need monster performance package right away. Ask Dirk if he will be available by cell phone if monster bike has problem in middle of desert. Note that Dirk only works three (3) days a week. Make note to self to bring at least four (4) days of water into desert. Decide that 406EPRIB emergency locator beacon essential part of 'performance package'. Notice how large and yellow 406EPRIB is. Wonder how many things can be taped to same wire as cigarette lighter. Recall experience with removing faring. Change mind so other riders do not think owner of bike with yellow plastic 406EPRIB is a pussy.
Pack bike. Consider how much bike shakes. Wonder about effect of shaking bike on MacBook Pro. Resign self to buying new MacBook Pro en-route. Buy extended warranty this time with new MacBook Pro. Pack video camera because it can take still pictures. Do not bring other camera. Other camera is most prized possession. Realize that you would worry about it breaking if you crash. Realize then that you are really concerned about camera and not so concerned about self crashing. Feel like bad mother fucker for not giving shit about crashing Harley. Then realize that you are a fairy-nerd for worrying so much about camera. Still do not bring good camera. Pack both motorcycle jackets to avoid questions from New Wife about why second jacket was purchased. Pack back brace. Realize that you will need it. Consider carpal tunnel syndrome and how much ride will hurt. Bring aspirin. Realize that is how you roll.
Pack black plastic box with First Wife's atoms securely on bike. Pack atoms of best dog Scarlet on bike. Recognize that this is most precious cargo. Drive carefully as debt is owed to First Wife, First Wife's Family, bike owner's Family and New Wife and Step Children. Still do not bring good camera.
Leave on five thousand mile trip day after major work is done on bike. Trust that all will be well. Plan on extra time en-route for unplanned maintenance.
** [footnote 1a] Make liberal use of sadness New Wife feels for you. Purchase Kevlar armored riding gear and weatherproof camping baggage. New Wife is not dumb and she will recall that you just told her two weeks ago that no money could be spent due to over extending finances. New Wife will not say anything because of sadness situation mentioned above. Pushing luck is OK however do put items away when UPS truck leaves.
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