Fan Mail

Thanks for all the comments and emails. I don't have time to respond to all of them individually because I'm super busy entertaining myself with this blog. However, since there was so much repetition in the reader feedback I thought I'd answer those questions in this general blog entry.

1) Yes, I think death-wish can be hyphenated or not. Either way, I don't consider my trip to be one. While I do not fear the reaper, I do not intentionally seek him out or taunt him by making it known that his scythe will, at best, scratch the kevlar on my backup riding jacket.

2) No, it is not merely a rumor that my therapist recently abandoned me and moved to Hawaii because of something I probably said or probably my personality. I'm not insecure about this because I'm very strong, so they say all the time, and don't need her anymore but I would like her to take me back. No biggie though, whatever you want. I don't have another therapist because I don't NEED one and she was getting more out of it than ME people where saying. But if you know where she is, no biggie, maybe you could tell me but I don't care I mean or anything you know. No big deal though so whatever CLARISSA DAMMIT. Nice 'phoenix rising' on your business card. Like that is not cliche for a psychotherapist. Hope that didn't take you too long to come up with!! Phd in Marketing NOT! What Ever. Have a nice TAN in Hawaii. Not even WORKING probably. But I'm cool with it. Really miss you (a lot). Not good with change and loss. LOL! WTF!! Not cool.

3) And furthermore LARISSACAY AMMITZAY, the therapist you referred me to is so mad at you for leaving that all she does is talk about you which is WEIRD so even though she is really CHEAP compared to you it's not really WORTH IT because it's like I'm the therapist AGAIN. Not working!. NICE TRY THOUGH. Is it far to Hawaii and where do you live?

4) No, the fact that I do not have a return itinerary does not mean I'm not coming back Jenny. I will post one as soon as I'm on my way home.

5) No, I will not stop and give a shout-out to your friend while I'm traveling through Flagstaff.

6) Yes, I do think staying at the Bellagio is an important part of my soul seeking journey and yes I will bring you something from the gift shop as long as it will fit in my trunk.

7) Yes, the main reason is to save money on gas.

8) Yes, I do know that the new season of 'So You Think You Can Dance' will start while I'm gone and don't threaten me with the Tivo which is mine anyway because I probably had it BEFORE I met you so it doesn't even count towards your half so you are not in charge of it anyway.

9) I think 'don't spread Leigh's ashes prematurely on the highway' is an odd way to express your concern but I do understand your subtle meaning and I plan to take preventive actions using ducktape and other ballistic counter measures. lol. rofl. wtf. etc.

10) Yes I will miss you, except for The Farting, but I'm really glad that I'm doing this on my own. I'm pretty needy (shocker!) and could really grow personally by being by myself for like more than 90 seconds.

11) Hey, this isn't really an answer to a question I've made up but could you like make sure YOUR children stay out of MY office because I'm VERY important and I could have important papers or might have important information that may look like it's in a pile or messy but really it's there for a reason like I have a special way of stacking stuff and I don't expect you to be able to tell the difference between a stack of important person stuff and what goes to the SHREDDER but just keep them out for me because it's my office and they steal my pens and get footprints on my faxes that are waiting for my attention in the stacks I was just telling you about. And just because I'm not THERE to make sure, they should still not make a lot of NOISE near my office because they will think is ALRIGHT to dot it when I get BACK because they will be used to being LOUD while I'm working and you can't tell when I'm working and when I'm just reading SALON.COM or emailing my MOTHER but since you can't tell the difference just be quiet ALL THE TIME to ensure you are not bothering me if I'm doing important things or people need my input on things ALL THE TIME because I'm critical.

12) No, the t-shirt you got me that says "If you can read this, my bitch fell off" will not arrive on time for trip. "Where there is sin, I must follow" t-shirt arrived. All set for gear now.

13) No, Dirk is not the gnome from the Travelocity commercials and I did not photoshop him into the picture.

Proposed Travel Itinerary

The following is my itinerary for my trip to Raton. This is what I’m thinking as of this moment, but please don’t hold me to it. It could change while I’m en-route due to certain circumstances such as if my ass hurts bad or because of the fact that I have not made any reservations anywhere. I’m traveling mostly through Indian country where you shouldn’t need a reservation. I plan on using that joke a lot on my trip because I’m sure they haven’t heard that one before during check-in and it should get me preferential treatment. That and my Choctaw heritage should get me in the door most places.

I will have my cell phone with me. It will be off. Generally, I plan on getting as far as I can by Monday morning and then only riding in the afternoon when the weather is worse and darkness is coming. I’m going to try and work from 7AM to Noon and then leave on the next leg. I may end up getting to work late and leaving early so don’t hold me to that either.

I will try to update this blog daily provided I have an internet connection so you will know where I am and where I think I’m going.

Friday 5/9 Departing Redding

Day 1: Redding to Reno, 197 miles
Day 2: Reno to Las Vegas, 448 miles
Day 3: Las Vegas to Grand Canyon Village, 277 miles
Day 4: Grand Canyon Village to Chinle, 258 miles
Day 5: Chinle to Durango, 185 miles
Day 6: Durango to Taos, 200 miles
Day 7: Taos to Raton, 99 miles

Arriving in Raton on 5/15

If you don’t hear from me when you expect to, please don’t worry. While I have spent the last few years, and more recently with a therapist, discovering what a moron I am, I’m not totally bereft of experience and common sense. Besides, I’ve had my motorcycle for like three or four weeks now and I took a two-day class on how to ride it.

New Wife Has a Good Heart

Here is something funny. Not funny ha ha but funny like how it’s funny when you permanently damage your liver by taking Tylenol because you have a headache from drinking too much. My New Wife told me yesterday that on the day I leave to take my First Wife to New Mexico she has to go to the doctor to get an echocardiogram because the Dr. has some concern about her low blood pressure and the dizzy spells she’s been having. The Dr. said, and she relayed to me, that it’s no big deal. Do I buy this? No. I’m a little suspicious about the size of the deal.

It seems to me that it is unlikely that a Dr, this one in particular, would order a test like this on a healthy young woman unless he was concerned. Also, I have some experience with this kind of thing. Bad things happen. Try this exercise: Close your eyes and imagine for a moment the worst thing that could ever happen. Now open your eyes.

Anyway. That’s how it works.

I don’t want to lose my New Wife for the following reasons:

1) New Wife accepts that I am imperfect, a bit on the used up side and a selfish person
2) New Wife and I met when I was incredibly high on daily doses of brain erasing Zanax, went through my realization that I was in shock and depressed for a year after Leigh died, supported me with friendship, love, patience and understanding and still likes me
3) New Wife has experience with dysfunction, and being a fucked up person herself, sets a good example for me to follow
4) New Wife is a survivor
5) New Wife does not drink caffeine or alcohol and can always drive home from dinner
6) New Wife is hot and dresses like a tart

Dr said it’s nothing to worry about and the echo is the same thing that they do “when you have a baby”. Hmmm. I wonder why they are talking to my New Wife like she’s retarded? We’ll at least they are not also going to put her on a heart monitor for twenty-four hours or I’d really be worried (fyi: that is sarcasm because they, of course, are going to put her on a heart monitor for twenty-four hours).

Let’s just suppose for a moment that New Wife has heart disease and starts counting in dog years. Here are some observations I will make:

1) If I’m wrong, and there is a God, then I’m also right in that he is a total dick. Either way, I’m right which is awesome
2) Ironically, I have both really good luck and really bad luck with women at the same time
3) If I’m wrong, and there is a Shiva, I must have been John Wayne Gacy, the child raping clown in a past life and I am now making up for the Karma deficit I’ve run up
4) New Wife’s Dr said that if the heart echo finds a problem, she will have to make MAJOR changes in her diet like no coffee or alcohol. I’m just observing that he’s not listening to her.
5) Personally, when New Wife waves good-bye to me, wearing a heart monitor and asking me to ‘be careful’ I’m going to think that is the pot calling the kettle black
6) If the echo finds that she has a heart murmur on Friday, then I think that’s really bad timing.
7) Get it? Bad timing...murmur.

Jenny, please do not have heart disease.

What I Have Left

This is one of my favorite pictures of Leigh. This was taken many days into a sailing trip on a day of stormy weather, tedium and various little annoyances. You have to look close to see that it was that kind of day. You have to really try and notice the grey sky and how everything is soaking wet. You are distracted by the glowing, smiling, blue-eyed girl.

I have many pictures and videos of Leigh. Over the past two and a half years, I’ve tried to watch the videos and look at the pictures. It is really hard for me.

The first year she was gone, I did not look at them much. There where times when an image would be in front of me and I would have to just close my eyes. Especially when I was not expecting it. If I intentionally opened a photo file on my computer or looked a at a print I would do OK. But if I accidentally viewed a file or came across a photo unexpectedly, my brain would misfire. I would experience a shock and would feel loss and pain. The same thing would happen when I unexpectedly came across anything about her. One time, I was searching on Google for information on a particular piece of software and I found message posted to a internet forum regarding the application. I read the post and got to the signature line and found it was written by Leigh. For a instant, in a moment of confusion, I thought she may have just posted it. But then I saw the date and it was from 1999. Same thing happened when I was looking for some accounting information on my computer and came across the very last instant message she sent me: "lunch is ready". But the photos gave me the most frequent jolt because I have so many of them.

I felt a little betrayed by the pictures. What is the point of taking pictures to remember joy and accomplishment when they end up making you feel loss, sorrow and regret?

At the same time, they are very important to me. When Leigh was still in a coma, but it was clear that she would die, I took all the video cassettes I had of her to some company to ‘back them up’ to DVD. I felt this was urgent. I was afraid of losing any more of her. When I was growing up, my Mom treasured her photographs. She told me, many times, that if the house was on fire I was to grab photographs, as many as I could, and run out of the house. I suppose I felt like that. My house was definitely on fire.

I had a sagging feeling when I looked at the pictures. At the time that I took them, I felt I was taking them so Leigh and I could remember our moments, adventures, accomplishments and milestones. I imagined looking at all this imagery later on in our life and doing a “Remember when we did that with your family? Climbed that hill? Flew over that mountain? Played with that baby? Ate that fish we made?”. I feel let down that by those images because the memories are now laced with pain and I know that reality has preyed on my daydreams. I have not showed anyone the picture I have of the fish I cooked for Leigh on the barbecue on the back of our sailboat. Who would care now if I said “Hey! Look at what I ate!”. Leigh would have liked to have that conversation with me some day in our hypothetical future.

I took a lot of video of my dog Scarlet. I knew at the time, considering how dog years work, that Leigh and I would be watching these some day when Scarlet was gone. Scarlet is in the center of the videos, splashing away in the water, chasing a toy or cocking her head to the side at the sound of our voices. But as it turns out, it is the pretty girl half-in the frame whose image I’m hanging on. It’s her voice coming from behind the camera that I'm straining to hear asking Scarlet about a cookie that she is crying over. Obviously, we had no idea that Leigh was on dog years too.

I have mixed feelings now about having all this media. Even at the time I was taking the pictures and videos, I knew I could focus on taking the shot, or I could put down the camera and take the moment in with all my senses. Living a moment through a small viewfinder takes away from it. Taking a proper picture requires a lot of mental processing for successful framing, light management and focus. The price you pay for taking a good picture is you miss the real-life moment. I would think “I’ll spend this trip to Alaska taking pictures of whales, and next time Leigh and I come I’ll leave my cameras at home and experience the whales for myself.” I actually told her that. She didn’t care too much. She was going to take all her moments in with all five of her senses, every time. She really didn’t care about the cameras too much. And there was no next trip to see whales.

Frankly, it's a toss up. I wasn't always 100% there, but I did manage to get this…

Travel Recipe

Gather following ingredients:

1 Harley Davidson Road Glide
2 Exhaust Pipes
1 Bootleg Fuel Control Module
1 Global Positioning System
1 Back Brace
300 Aspirin
2 Riding Jackets
1 Pair Riding Pants
4 Pair Socks and Underwear
1 MacBook Pro
1 Video Camera that Takes Stills
1 Black Plastic Box
1 Wooden Box

Start by removing the faring and windshield from the Road Glide to install Global Positioning System. Put socks on turn signals. Put sheet over tank and under bike and over front fender. Take off windshield. Try to find place to set it down and realize there is none. Balance windshield on knee and make place to set it down. Decide to unfold a card table because many parts are involved. Start removing parts and place neatly on card table. Remove parts until card table is full and then look for other places to put rest of parts. Remove all screws, nuts and bolts that can be viewed without putting knee on ground where there is dirt. Do not react to alarmed look from New Wife. The GPS needs electricity. Do not scratch any parts. Observe that Harley Davidson owners are particular about this and if parts are scratched they must be chrome plated. New Wife should ask why you need another GPS. Explain that third GPS is made necessary due to specific operating environment of motorcycle. Recall words on packaging to justify position such as ‘left hand controls’ and ‘vibration resistant’. New Wife will accept this information because of reason for trip**. Look at all the wires in the faring. See if any are not being used. Realize that it is unlikely that bike manufacturer would put wires on bike that attached to nothing. Spot cigarette lighter and consider the relative advantage of breaking it in the course of installing GPS instead of fuel gauge or headlamps. Wisely choose to attach GPS wires to cigarette lighter wires. Attach red wire on GPS to red wire on cigarette lighter. Other wire on GPS will not match color of other wire on cigarette lighter. Do not care about this. Turn on bike. GPS will come on which means that described configuration is possibly OK.

Put parts back on bike. Rubber part that fell off is not important. Notice that it does not seem to go anywhere. Put in pocket and forget about part. Admire how you carefully laid screws down on card table in order you removed them because they are not all the same size. Notice how piling parts on card table has re-organized screws. Continue guessing about order of parts and screws. Notice how easy plastic screw and brass nuts will strip. Order part #$!@^%&*! to replace stripped parts. Do not know how to put windshield back on. Spend two (2) hours trying to figure this out and then consult Internet. Internet says do not take windshield off but if you do then go buy part #$!@^%&*! and then put it back together.

After bike is mostly back together, drive to Harley-Davidson dealership to look at similar bike. Pretend to shop for new motorcycle and pay special attention to fairing and windshield. Notice how much tighter fairing and windshield seem on new bike. Wonder if water will get inside it on trip and cause mayhem. Make note to self to have checked by qualified person.


Observe that when at traffic light and in traffic that bike is very hot. Feel that you are a potato and you will be done soon. Hope that your strategically placed holes will allow heat to escape from baking internal organs so you do not explode in traffic. Wonder about how heat will feel when driving in desert next week. Recall that forecast calls for 90+ degree heat. Drive to different bike shop and ask ‘Dirk’ about heat. Admit to just buying Harley and not knowing anything. Dirk will be polite to face. Listen as Dirk explains that Harley-Davidson has to comply with California Smog Emission Standards and to do this they have leaned the fuel mixture, restricted airflow and put on small tail pipes. Nod when Dirk offers to fix motorcycle heat issue by blowing out engine with big fat pipes, monster air filter and outlaw fuel control module that will pour gasoline in engine and make baby ride real cool. Ask Dirk about loudness of bike and explain desire to not degrade relationship with neighbors one mile down road. Believe Dirk when he tells you loudness is ‘no-factor’ and bike will only be ‘twice as loud’. Believe Dirk when he tells you daddy will like it when he hits throttle on open road with new monster performance package. Believe Dirk when he tells you that this will not affect warranty. Tell Dirk you are leaving in four (4) days and will need monster performance package right away. Ask Dirk if he will be available by cell phone if monster bike has problem in middle of desert. Note that Dirk only works three (3) days a week. Make note to self to bring at least four (4) days of water into desert. Decide that 406EPRIB emergency locator beacon essential part of 'performance package'. Notice how large and yellow 406EPRIB is. Wonder how many things can be taped to same wire as cigarette lighter. Recall experience with removing faring. Change mind so other riders do not think owner of bike with yellow plastic 406EPRIB is a pussy.

Pack bike. Consider how much bike shakes. Wonder about effect of shaking bike on MacBook Pro. Resign self to buying new MacBook Pro en-route. Buy extended warranty this time with new MacBook Pro. Pack video camera because it can take still pictures. Do not bring other camera. Other camera is most prized possession. Realize that you would worry about it breaking if you crash. Realize then that you are really concerned about camera and not so concerned about self crashing. Feel like bad mother fucker for not giving shit about crashing Harley. Then realize that you are a fairy-nerd for worrying so much about camera. Still do not bring good camera. Pack both motorcycle jackets to avoid questions from New Wife about why second jacket was purchased. Pack back brace. Realize that you will need it. Consider carpal tunnel syndrome and how much ride will hurt. Bring aspirin. Realize that is how you roll.

Pack black plastic box with First Wife's atoms securely on bike. Pack atoms of best dog Scarlet on bike. Recognize that this is most precious cargo. Drive carefully as debt is owed to First Wife, First Wife's Family, bike owner's Family and New Wife and Step Children. Still do not bring good camera.

Leave on five thousand mile trip day after major work is done on bike. Trust that all will be well. Plan on extra time en-route for unplanned maintenance.

** [footnote 1a] Make liberal use of sadness New Wife feels for you. Purchase Kevlar armored riding gear and weatherproof camping baggage. New Wife is not dumb and she will recall that you just told her two weeks ago that no money could be spent due to over extending finances. New Wife will not say anything because of sadness situation mentioned above. Pushing luck is OK however do put items away when UPS truck leaves.

Thoughts On Going

I’m not flying on a commercial airline to Vermejo because it would be too fast and too direct. I could go on the web, buy a ticket, show up the airport for an on-time departure, rent a car, drive to Vermejo, meet my family, spread Leigh’s ashes and leave. Instead, I’m procrastinating. I’m taking the longest route I could come up with and still make the claim that I’m heading in the right direction. I’m passing through interesting places on the way so I have some reason to get closer each day besides the terminus. I’m hoping to exhaust myself with the journey so I will wish to just get there. This is currently not the case.

I don’t want to go. I don’t want to spread Leigh’s ashes. It is final. In practical terms, there is nothing more final than what has already happened to her. There is nothing more final than what has happened to her and the life we shared. She is, however, in my closet. What remains of her physical matter is in a black plastic box in my closet.



I’ve been reading a lot in the last two and a half years about particle physics and cosmology. These subjects, like a good scotch, take the edge off of what happened.

At the cosmic level, none of us matter. Nothing we do, say, feel or think matters to the universe. This is a comforting thought to me. We are the tiniest bits of irrelevance that could possibly exist. We are here for a millionth of a billionth of a zillionth of a second on the cosmic timeline. So what if I lasted a zillionth of a smillionth of a second longer than Leigh? We were essentially around for the same inconsequential amount of non-time. The universe breathed in, we came, and then it breathed out and we left. Sadly, she sooner than I but both of us where exhaled without much cosmic thought or purpose.

And even better, at the atomic level, nothing ever changes and nothing ever goes away. Matter is conserved. Matter is difficult to destroy. Humans have little sway over the breaking of strong atomic bonds. In my mind, I can imagine the cooperative arrangement of atoms that was Leigh. I can see all those electrons zipping around all those protons and neutrons. I know that the box in my closet is full of those very exact same atoms. Some of them are missing. Some of them have already been set loose by the process of death on their journey through the cosmos. We humans think of ourselves as adventuresome but our mortal adventures are poor little impotent treks compared to the riotous time our atoms will have before their energy has been depleted. Albert Einstein, in the greatest thought a man ever thunk, explained this to us. Unfortunately for us, he was interviewed by a sports journalist (who, no shit, specialized in Golf journalism) who put out the misconception that we where all too stupid to understand what Albert had to say. This notion stuck so we all just didn't bother. Albert said E=mc2. He said Energy is mass and mass is Energy and mass has so much Energy that you are going to crap in your drawers once your realize how much. He said, in fact, that the amount of Energy contained in matter is like so big you should think of a really big big number like the speed of light or something (that is what the c is for) and then, to make it even bigger, you should go ahead and multiply it by itself. Multiply that super-giganto number by the amount of mass you have and that is how much Energy is contained in it. Each of us are walking around with the power of 15 nuclear bombs worth of energy in the mass of our bodies. That is what he said. He wasn't saying that Energy is exactly equal to mc2. He was sort of just making a point.

My point is that Leigh is all powerful and for all practical purposes she is eternal. The largest stockpile of Leigh's atoms is buzzing around at incomprehensible speeds in a black plastic box in my closet demanding freedom so they can go do their eternal thing. At the cosmic level, we all matter.

I do wish that Leigh’s atoms would have cooperated a zillionth of a second longer. It feels wrong to me that they did not. We’ve all heard, to the point of annoyance, that life is not fair. Yet, I think we all go looking for evidence that it is and reject evidence that it is not. We feel better when we imagine that karmic justice has been served, when hard work pays off and when good things happen to good people. We tend to ignore, forget or not compute when the kid from the local high school gets struck dead by a drunk driver. I think, if you’ve been paying attention, you may have noticed how random it all is. It’s awesomely random. And the universe is full of Irony. How Ironic is it that our atoms are virtually indestructible while we ourselves are so ephemeral? How about when we think that ‘fair’ is when everything goes our way when in fact ‘fair’ would mean that it only went our way about half the time? And isn’t it Ironic that so many people see god’s intentions clearly when he causes a poor family’s lotto ticket to have a wining number but the same people can only quietly mumble about the mysteriousness of god’s plan when he gives a two year old pancreatic cancer? So I guess life might be fair after all. And if I believed in god, I would say to him that you are so funny I forgot to laugh. And he would probably say to me that I should lighten up. And I would then tell him what huge dick he is being.

I need to let Leigh’s atoms re-sort themselves into the universe. But first, I’m going to procrastinate. I have a motorcycle, which I sort of know how to ride, and I’m going to strap the black plastic box to the back and ride the long way to Vermejo New Mexico.